Slacker Stepford

Oh man have I been letting this blog slide. I haven’t posted since January. JANUARY. Literal months have passed since I posted here.

But, there is a good reason or it…

I am really bad keeping secrets. Like horrible.

I don’t know what ever possessed me to major in Psychology, God knows I would have made a terrible therapist. Running off telling everybody everybody elses secrets. Would have been a disaster.

So, when I came in contact with a certain secret back in January and it was imperative that I keep said secret, I had to kind of quarantine myself from the general public.

But, the secret is getting announced on Thursday. So I feel pretty safe posting a couple things between now and then. It’s only a couple days. And I can type and delete any secrets I want to share before I post. Teehee.

So let’s get off the topic of secrets before I explode with anticipation, and lets talk about Pure Romance and the new job opportunity I have picked up!

It is no secret to anyone in our lives that we have been struggling the past few months. Almost over night we went from oilfield royalty to oilfield poverty. The industry is suffering and because of that the workers are struggling. Wonderful Husband has been home most nights, because there isn’t any work out on location for him. His company has been laying guys off and closing down shops and its all getting really scary for us. So starting in January, Wonderful Husband and I decided that I would start looking for a source of income.

I looked, I surfed, I scoured. I was on and Craigslist almost daily. There was no shortage of get rich quick schemes, but there didn’t seem to be anything legitimate that I could do and still stay home. We knew we didn’t want to put Little Darling in daycare, because it is so expensive any money I made would go directly into paying for it. So it really limited my options of what I could do. Then my mom went to a Pure Romance party.

I have gone to and even hosted Pure Romance parties in the past, but never really considered it as a job opportunity because at the time I was employed full time and didn’t really want to take on anything extra. However, when my mom went to this party and heard about the opportunity to make a good amount of money just by having a few parties every month, and knowing how comfortable I am with the nature of the products, she got the consultants name and gave it to me so I could look into it.

Now, if you are not familiar with Pure Romance, let me fill you in.

Pure Romance sells bath and body products, massage products, and relationship enhancement products. In laymans terms- they sell shaving cream, lotions, oils, and sex toys.

Yep. You heard me right.

Sex toys.

Like dildos and vibrators.

And its awesome, and its empowering, and its super educational.

I consider myself pretty knowledgeable on the female body and I have learned some incredible new information just in the couple months I have been with the company (fun tip- if a woman has 26 orgasms or more a month it lowers her risk of heart disease). When you go to a party, the consultant sets up all her products that she is going to demo and you spend some time passing them around, smelling them, tasting them, turning them on. Really getting to see how they all work and function, and then you get time to shop, privately, one on one, with the consultant in a separate room from everyone else so you can order in confidence.

In my demo, I have the bath and body products like the shaving cream, body oil, and body spray. I have massage products like our super cool self heated massage heart, and the massage lotions. I have our arousal creams, lubricants, foreplay creams, and activity specific creams. And I have six of our best selling toys.

So far I have done two parties, and actually made some money. I still am in the process of paying off my kit, so it isn’t actual profit, but it won’t be long before my kit is paid off and everything I make is going straight into my pocket.

I really enjoy doing the parties, and feeling as though I am really teaching women some important information about their bodies. Some women feel so awkward about their bodies and about sex and anything involving those areas, but a party is a perfect way for them to experience some fun extras for their bedroom!

There is no need for anybody to feel uncomfortable or weirded out. I know when I walk into a sex store I feel like everyone is staring at me and I want to get out as fast as possible. And ordering online is such a hassle because you can’t really see the item you are ordering and sometimes end up with something you don’t really want. With Pure Romance we take the guessing part out of it and you get to shop in comfort and know the exact product you are taking

some backlash from a few friends and family members who are less than supportive. Stating things like they will never buy anything from me because they don’t believe in what the company is supporting- well then I guess they better stop shopping at WalMart because they not only sell condoms and vibrators, but they also sell the morning after pill, ouji boards, satantic books, and unedited CDs. For the most part, I try not to let the negativity get to me. I am doing what I can do support my family and keep food on our table. I am not forcing anyone to buy anything, I am merely offering a service. They don’t have to like it, they don’t have to buy anything from it, but they also don’t have to be so ridiculously rude about it. Besides, all the of the demos are easy to modify and stick to “softer” products. I can do a church luncheon where all I do is talk about our great smelling perfume and super fabulous miracle oil. I just wouldn’t hand out catalogs for the little old bitties to turn to the back pages and drop dead when they see Mr. Dependable (the purple 8 inch suction cup dildo, a best seller).

I think this is going to be a great opportunity for me. It allows me to get out of the house a few times a month. Lets Wonderful Husband bond with Little Darling while I am gone. I get to share my knowledge and my products with women and help them spice up their love lives. And I make money while doing it!

I hope if you are reading this you will consider hosting a party with me. Hostesses get 10% of their sales in free product. So if a party nets $1000 in sales, the hostess would get $100 in free product. The only rules for the party are: No men and No children (that means under the age of 18) in the house during the party. Other than that it is totally free to book and host. A lot of women will do girls nights, wine tastings, bachelorette parties, brunches, and even the odd pizza party. It is a really fun time all around.

So there you have it. That is part of what I have been up to for the past couple months. The other part of what I have been doing is coming soon. I promise! Tune in Thursday!


Important Post

Haha, I bet I gotcha with that title.

There isn’t a single thing in this post that is important.

In fact, the only reason I am posting at all is because I was in the shower this evening and it struck me that I haven’t even turned my lap top on in the past several days and I couldn’t remember the last time I posted.

Turns out, I was posting about being happy and telling people about it. And then I went right on with my life, being happy, and telling no one about it.

Hypocrite. Right here.

So here is my life in the past few weeks in between writing my last post and when it got posted:

  • Wonderful Husband and FIL busted ass on our remodel and now the new master bedroom is well on its way to being painted! Now I just have to pick a paint.. latte, double latte, latte express, mocha latte, coffee latte, latte chip, mocha chip, coffee chip, chocolate chip…God help me. They all look identical and I am SURE that no one will ever step foot into my bedroom and say “ah, she definitely should have gone with the mocha chip” but I continue to pour over these small details as though my life depends on it.
  • Little Darling is still refusing to drink any milk out of a sippy cup, but on a happy note, she guzzles V8 Green Goodness juice without complaint and even asks for seconds, so bring on the cheese cubes and greek yogurt and let the child drink her veggies instead.
  • I have successfully kept off 4 of the 8lbs I lost during my new years cleanse and have been continuing with eating pretty healthy besides a cheat meal here and there when I have a moment of weakness.
  • My dads girlfriends mother, unfortunately, passed away not long after the new year and they had a rough time with funeral planning and carrying out her last wishes, it did, however, afford me an opportunity to take Little Darling to visit them and help make them feel better when they were feeling down.
  • Little Darling spent a weekend with the In Laws and Wonderful Husband and I got two nights out! Hells yes.
  • I ran an ethernet cable for our xbox upstairs. Our Wifi is really spotty on the second floor so we decided to hard wire the xbox to watch movies on Hulu. Wonderful Husband told me to drop the cable down the vent into the living room and run it along the wall to the router. I tried it about 7000 times with no success. I mean, I was armpit deep in the living room vent and unable to find this 200 ft cable I had so carefully jammed down the bedroom hole. Wonderful Husband told me to tie some weight to the cable and try again. For future reference: when a husband tells you to “use some weight” he, does not, in fact, mean to tie an ink pen to the cable and drop it down the vent. This is not considered heavy, and when you try several more times, unsuccessfully, and then rant to Wonderful Husband that it isn’t working. He will doubt your intelligence when you admit that your “weight” was an ink pen. Learn from my mistakes, use a screwdriver to start with.
  • I finally got to go visit my Best Friends new house! She moved months ago and the holidays and weather and sick children kept us in a constant scheduling conflict, but I was finally able to make it down to see her adorable little trailer out in the country with her fluffy chickens and brand new puppy! We had a great visit and the kids truly enjoyed getting to play together.

Life has truly been good and enjoyable. I have no complaints. I don’t really have any new recipes to report, we are eating a lot of the prepped foods I froze over the summer that I can easily throw in the crock pot or oven. I don’t really have any new life tips or tricks to give other than don’t spend any extra money, and think every purchase over carefully before making it. I haven’t been to the grocery store since December, and while I am going to have to go this week to get fresh fruits and veggies, that is about the only thing we need. I am doing very well with my resolutions of eating healthier, being more frugal, and spending more time with my family. How has your 2016 been?

Nobody Cares About Happiness

Why is it that when we are happy we have a hard time telling people about it?

I don’t mean your super peppy status on Facebook, or your Save the Date announcement.

I mean general, every day happiness.

When was the last time you texted your best friend and said “everything in my life is amazing! How are you?”

I can probably answer that.


Here is the way most of my conversations with friends start:

“You are never going to believe what Wonderful Husband said”

“Guess who just started their period, not pregnant again :-(”

“So mad ______ just died on SOA!”

It is basically never positive. And when they text me it is the same thing. It seems to be a general rule that the only time you can talk to other people is when you have something to complain about.

But why is that? Why don’t we tell our friends when we are really happy?

When I am home alone for weeks at a time, or when Little Darling is having a really crappy day I reach out to my friends to vent and complain and bitch about my unhappiness. But when Wonderful Husband is home and we are having a great time being a family and Little Darling is being pleasant and sweet, I forget my phone exists and live in the moment. I almost feel guilty to reach out to my friends to tell them what a great time I am having in my life.

When did this stigma happen where we can’t just call up a friend and say, hey I was thinking of you, how are you?

I am generally always happy. I have my times where I want to scream in frustration and I need to vent. But why is there this compelling need to complain about things? Even when you are having a good day and someone complains about something, you feel the need to complain too. When you are in a conversation with a stranger or someone you don’t know that well, do you talk about good things or do you find yourself complaining about things? i.e. yea this store used to be good, but the service lately sucks! We have been in line forever! Or, yea she is a really good walker, but she isn’t talking yet!

Think about it. When was the last time you complained about something?

Was it truly worth it?

Lets all resolve to be happier this year, and not just be happier but to share that happiness with our friends and family. If you are having a really great week call someone who means something to you and ask them how they are doing and tell them you are doing good. If someone pays you a compliment in a store or at a party say thank you, don’t dismiss it. It isn’t bragging, it isn’t bad. Sharing happiness and love is a good thing and we could all stand to do a little more of it.


Stepford and the Sons

The weekend of New Years, my dad took Little Darling for a couple days. It worked out that Wonderful Husband was away, Little Darling was away, and mommy had the house to herself for two days.

It was insane.

I had no idea what to do with myself. I had a whole to do list to work on. But it was strange to have uninterrupted time to work on things. Wonderful Husband had a bit of a moment when he asked me to come spend the weekend with him and I said no (I know, I know, you don’t need to tell me I was wrong. I know I was. I get it. Move on.) I had a ton of things to get done including taking a long hot bath, painting my nails and allowing them to full dry before moving, and sleeping in until at least 9am.

No, seriously, I had a ton of stuff to do. While I did do some relaxing things I also cleaned every room from top to bottom, scrubbed the tubs and toilets, took down and stored all the Christmas decor, went grocery shopping, organized Little Darlings toys and clothes, made a huge donation bag for Goodwill, visited my grandma, and ran the Ethernet cord for the xbox.

Looking back, I probably should have waited to run that Ethernet cable, because it was the beginning of my downfall.

Wonderful Husband bought this 200 ft long Ethernet cable so we could hook the xbox in our bedroom into the router in the living room. He explained to me that all I had to do was drop the cable down the vent in the bedroom, and go to the living room vent, find the cable, pull it out, plug it into the router.

Easy peasy, right?


I dropped the cable down the vent and ran down to check the living room vent.

No cable.

I did it again.

No cable.

On attempt number 462 I finally texted Wonderful Husband that I must be doing something wrong. I was armpit deep in this vent and obviously that cable was dropping into some strange hell portal because it was not coming into the living room.

He told me to tie a weight to it and try it again.

I ran back upstairs, tied a pen to the cable, and dropped it back down the vent.

I finally decided that I didn’t care if we NEVER got the cable hooked into the router downstairs and instead decided I would turn on the xbox, use the wifi, and find a new show to watch since all of mine are on holiday break.

Lo and behold I found the Sons of Anarchy.

Now I have been told by many people for some time now that I would love SOA and I should watch it. I always declined because I really don’t like to watch shows that glorify breaking the law. A motorcycle gang that lives on sex, drugs and rock and roll seemed to be one of those shows that would be about breaking the law and loving it. However, all 7 seasons were on Hulu and were in my “shows you may like” category.

Eff you Hulu.

I am on to you and your mind screw games.

I watched season one, 12 episodes, in about 12 hours. I barely slept.

I mentioned to my SIL that I had started SOA and was really into it. She responded with “oooh, its gonna kill you.”

I mentioned to a friend of mine that I was watching SOA and she said “oh my god its gonna rip your heart out. You are gonna die. JUST DIE”

I couldn’t stop myself.

I googled the series finale spoiler.

There it was in black and white text. The end all, be all, of this show that I was now hopelessly addicted to. I cried over people who hadn’t even died yet, I hated people who were still good characters in season two. I texted my friend who I had already recommended SOA to and warned her to not start it because she was going to drop dead before she finished.

And yet, here I sit at 9pm on a Saturday, watching SOA. I can’t stop. I am already vested. Every episode is murder and death and heartbreak. When one character was senselessly killed I had to actually turn off the tv and go sit in the dining room and cry.

Ridiculous, I know. But I get so close to my characters. How can I spend that much time with a character and not get to know them?

I haven’t finished the series yet, I still have two seasons to go, but I know it is going to be rough on me. I will take the life lessons it teaches though: don’t join a gang, don’t run drugs, guns, or anything else illegal, don’t kill people, and for the love of God, don’t lie about anything to anyone!

So consider this your warning.

Don’t start SOA. Don’t do it. Save yourself. It’s too late for me, but you can still make it out!

As for the Ethernet cable, when I told Wonderful Husband I was still failing to get it down to the living room vent, he asked me what I was using as a weight.

Turns out, when he said “weight” he meant something actually heavy, like a screwdriver or wrench or something, not something that just had some weight to it like a pen. I tied a screwdriver to the cable and on my first try I got it into the living room vent and successfully plugged into the router.

Seriously though, he should explain himself better.

Giving up the Bottle

I know what you are thinking-

About time you gave up drinking! Crazy drunk, you aren’t 21 anymore. Time to grow up.

Well jokes on you, because number one: This post is about Little Darling getting rid of her bottle and number two: I am never gonna stop drinking.

Don’t judge me.

Let’s stick to the topic.

Little Darling had her one year check up at the doctor on January 4th. She is happy, healthy, ridiculously tall for her age, and incredibly thin.

Among all the questions that were hurled at me during the appointment: Is she walking? Talking? Potty trained? Sleeping in a crib? playing with other kids? Eating on her own? Still taking a bottle?

Oh damn.

Yes. Yes she is still taking a bottle. In fact, she takes two bottles, sometimes three, a day. Why? Because I don’t like to hear my kid cry and milk in a sippy cup brings on a tantrum that rivals something you would see in a horror film.

Funny, the pediatrician didn’t seem to care.

Little Darling left with 4 puncture wounds from her annual shots, I left with a wounded pride and strict instructions to ditch the bottle, even if she cried.

So much easier said than done.

This is how most of day one was spent


She was having a rough time.

But you see, this wasn’t the first time we gave up the bottle. When she was about 6 months old, we first introduced the sippy cup. And she loved it. She carried it around and drank anything we put in it. I stopped carrying a bottle in the diaper bag,  she would take a sippy of milk before bed. Life was good.

Then we went on a play date with a friend of hers who was only about 4 months old at the time. She took one look at his bottle and demanded she have one too. It took about an hour of her screaming and throwing a fit before I even realized what she wanted. After that, It was all bottle all the time. If I gave her a sippy of juice or water, she would drink it. That was fine. But hand her a sippy of milk and the world ended. I would eventually cave in and give her a bottle.

This time I was serious though. I washed the bottles and put them in the cupboard, determined that the next time they came out it would be to go into the recycling bin.

Today is day 5 that she hasn’t had any milk.

I try. At every meal she gets a sippy of milk. She is offered a sippy of milk a couple hours before bed. She snubs it every single time.

Her pediatrician says this is ok, she will get it eventually, until then just keep supplementing with cheese and yogurt.

Ya ok Doc.

My child may never drink milk again.

Fine by me, that crap is expensive.

I wish I had some fun tips or tricks to kicking the bottle habit. Unfortunately, I have no advice at all. My kid wants milk in a bottle and nothing else.

Although, in perspective, if the worst thing she does is eat more cheese and drink less milk, I think our problems are pretty small.

She no longer asks for the bottle, she knows by now she isn’t getting it. But a milk sippy is regarded as poison and left sitting sad and alone in the corner while her flavored water is lovingly guzzled from her hot pink sippy cup.

Fine. Have it your way. Here is a piece of cheese.


The End of The Cleanse

I did it. I made it 7 days (ok, ok 6.75 days) on a liquid vegetable diet.


There were times it was super easy, and times I wanted to snap and eat everything I could find in my house. I finally gave up the ghost on the evening of my 7th day. I was sitting down to watch my shows after Little Darling went to bed and decided enough was enough, I was having popcorn.

I didn’t really have to feel guilty, a whole bag of popcorn only has 300 calories, and it has zero sugar. So it is still within my dietary restrictions.

I tried to make up for it by eating a tuna wrap on a whole wheat tortilla with lots of spinach.

I was sick within 10 minutes and shitting my brains out in the downstairs bathroom while texting two of my girlfriends that I may have killed myself by eating solid food.

Good news, I didn’t die.

The day after the cleanse, even though I had spent the last week planning everything I would eat and how much solid food I would stuff in my face, I couldn’t decide what I wanted to eat. I stood in front of our snack cupboard and nothing looked good. I stood in front of the fridge and nothing jumped out at me. I stared at cans of soup, veggies, beans, and fruits. No dice. I gave up and made myself a raspberry spinach flaxseed juice. I don’t know that I will ever get past having a meal in a cup. It is so easy and convenient to just shove everything in the ninja cup, blend it up, and stick on a lid. Its delicious, its healthy, and its easy.

For dinner that evening I had spaghetti squash with pizza sauce (my pizza sauce had half the sugar of the jarred pasta sauce I had), and cheddar cheese. It was delicious, it was filling, it was yummy, it was healthy. It gave me the shits again.

I may never be able to eat solid food again.

The good news is that last week I lost 8 lbs total. Not sure how long that weight will stay off because I do think a lot of it was water weight and will be back on immediately. But I do plan on following through with cutting down my sugar intake and keeping my carb count down. Hopefully that will help me lose weight in the long run.

I am really glad I did the cleanse, it seems to have reset my tastebuds, food that was blah before is now flavorful and delicious. Smaller portions fill me up. And I am able to make smarter choices in snacks and meals. 4

It was hard, but it was definitely worth it.


Green Smoothie Cleanse

I took the holidays very seriously this year. I am talking Ham Pot Pie for every meal for three days, including snacks. I had ham on Christmas day, and Chili on Christmas eve. I ate four chicken burritos at my Aunts house on Saturday. There were cookies, candies, nut rolls. It was out of control. And even worse, a lot of it came home with me and I continued to eat it for the next week.

I would still be eating if I hadn’t decided to start the new year with a cleanse.

I have been wanting to do a cleanse for a while now, but they seem incredibly daunting and scary. They get a lot of negative publicity and they are always portrayed badly on tv (like the episode of Castle where Ryan beats Espo up over a doughnut because he is supposed to be cleansing and looses his mind). They seem kind of hard, and really who wants to go any amount of time drinking wheatgrass juice or blended carrots? Let me answer that: no one. No one wants to do that.

But here I sit with my raspberry spinach juice. Yum.

No really.


Here is the story of how I fell in love with my cleanse (please note that I am on day 4 of 7 so I can’t truly weigh in until the end, but this is how I feel so far).

Starting on January 1- I cut myself off from refined sugar, dairy, processed foods, meat, and just about anything that isn’t a fruit or vegetable. And even my fruits are limited. If it can’t go in the blender, I am not eating it.

Here’s what I had:

  • Spinach
  • frozen cranberries
  • frozen grapes
  • oranges
  • granny smith apples
  • bananas
  • chia seeds
  • flax seeds
  • cocoa powder
  • kale
  • carrots
  • frozen raspberries
  • oatmeal
  • protein powder

I had other things like peanut butter and yogurt but I tried not to use them because they are loaded with sugar. My protein powder was from Arbonne.

To make a smoothie I would do a piece or a cup of fruit, two handfuls of veggies, 2 tablespoons of seeds or 1/2 cup of oatmeal. Sometimes I would add a scoop of protein powder if I was feeling hungry, but honestly the protein powder tasted like shit and got used less and less as time went on. Fill the remainder of the container up with water and blend until smooth.

I was nervous it would be really hard, I would be hungry all the time, I would be dying of cravings, etc. My smoothies in the past had always been loaded with flavored yogurt and tons of fruit, I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to stomach a smoothie primarily made of veggies. I know I hate vegetable juice like V8, and my old blender never really got everything smooth.

This Ninja is amazing! I have been doing crangrape/spinach smoothies, chocolate orange oatmeal smoothies, peanut butter banana smoothies. Everything gets blended to almost total smoothness.

Every smoothie has two large handfuls of greens in it, but I can barely tell! I was at my moms on day 3 and used kale, celery, and tomatoes with oranges and cranberries and it was palatable.

Honestly I don’t even feel hungry. On day 2 I was having a hard time getting enough calories because I was so full of smoothie I couldn’t drink anymore but was only up to 600 calories by 5pm.

I didn’t get the shits. I didn’t get sick. I did get a little bit testy around other food. While at my moms her fiance started talking about making pancakes and I almost snapped. This evening I had some really bad cravings for pasta and cheese.

The only times I have cheated were two evenings when I had a big salad at dinner time. Iceberg lettuce chopped up and topped with a tablespoon of italian dressing (even italian dressing has 1 gram of sugar in it) and a sprinkle of sea salt. That was mostly because I was craving the habit of chewing. It sounds silly, but I was really having trouble with not chewing, like my jaw needed that action in order to feel full and not have the munchies. I also stole four cubes of cheese from Little Darlings plate when she was done with lunch one day.

Still better than a dozen gingerbread men and a mixing bowl full of ham pot pie.

I really do miss eating, but I am starting to want to eat healthier and not miss the yummy comfort food that makes me feel like a big fat slug. Hopefully when I am done with this cleanse I can continue my healthy eating habits (in a more solid form) and continue on my weight loss goals of 2016.

Hopefully the next three days goes as well as the first four have and I can finish strong!