A Trip to the Dentist

I went to the dentist today. It was a long time coming. The last time I saw the dentist was February of 2014 and it was either go to the dentist and get a root canal or die from a toothache that was plaguing me constantly. I chose the former and then promptly ignored all comments from said dentist about coming back for a cleaning. Pretty soon I was pregnant, and seriously, who can handle pregnancy and dental tools? Not this girl.

If it were up to me, dentists wouldn’t exist, being toothless would probably be in style, and denture business would be through the roof. I hate the dentist. Hate. Everything from their tiny little buzzing tools to their condescending looks while they ask you questions they already know…

“Mrs. Stepford, have you been flossing?” *raises eyebrows*

“Yea, Uh, I mean, kind of, I have flossed… before… I do… it’s just… no”

*condescending look while jabbing gums with sharp instrument*
“mmmhmmm, see how your gum is bleeding? Yeaaaaaaaaa, it wouldn’t do that if you were flossing appropriately, you really should be flossing regularly Mrs. Stepford”

I always want to point out to him that perhaps my gums are bleeding because he is stabbing them repeatedly with something that looks pretty comparable to a medieval torture device. I mean, you could probably take hardened terrorists and threaten to torture them with dental instruments and they would immediately give up their secrets.. Perhaps we should have tried that when we were looking for Osama Bin Laden.

Anyways, it all worked out for the best because another one of Wonderful Husbands talents (or perhaps his parents) is that he has perfect teeth. Perfect. Teeth. He should probably be on toothpaste commercials or in magazines or something, those suckers are amazing.

True story- the first time I told my mom about WH back when he was just Wonderful-Guy-I-Was-Seeing-Regularly I described him as a soldier boy with perfect teeth. Scouts honor, that is what I told her.

He spent multiple years in braces and lots of his parents money to earn those perfect teeth, and because of that he has an appreciation for oral hygiene that I guess I never developed because I have basic, average teeth. He buys expensive toothpaste and flosses and uses Listerine and is constantly nagging me about my bad habits of going to bed without brushing or swishing mouthwash and calling it good enough.

When we first started dating I spent about 89 cents on Aim toothpaste and that one tube would last me waaayy longer than it should due to my ridiculous brushing habits. I had had the same jug of Giant Eagle brand mouthwash under my sink for several years and I didn’t even own floss. I fought him long and hard on the $6 tubes of Crest Pro Health that he was flying through on a biweekly basis, but eventually gave up. The dude has perfect teeth, he must be doing something right.

For the past couple years he has slowly been wearing me down and guilting me into better oral hygiene. After a long night with friends on Friday night (Saturday morning) instead of falling into bed to sleep it off he convinced me to pinball myself into the bathroom and brush my teeth and swish some Listerine. I cannot say that I follow his example completely, there are still many mornings where I put off toothbrushing because I don’t want to ruin the taste of my coffee, but I give it good effort.

Well, I can honestly say, that Wonderful Husband knows the trick. One of the main reasons that I hate the dentist is that it is so freaking painful! (yes, I know, I should floss more often) It is alway 45 minutes of the dental tech scraping plaque off my teeth while making one sided small talk while I flinch and clench my hands into the chair. When I leave there are normally claw marks in the arms of the chairs and I am slightly light headed.

Today it took 12 minutes. 12 minutes. From the time the tech called me back at 10:43 to the time she left the room to develop the x-rays for the dentist at 10:55. I was shocked. She started with a cool little water pick tool that was like water floss, she blasted all of my teeth and while commenting that I did have build up on the backs of my bottom front teeth she also said it was coming right off. She then scraped along all my teeth quickly and then used the little round squeegee dentist tooth brush to clean my teeth. She ran floss through my teeth commenting that I should try to floss more often.  Then she took 2 x-rays and left.

Where was the horrendous scraping?? Where was the pain? The bleeding and claw marks on the chair? Had I stepped into The Twilight Zone?

The dentist was in within another five minutes to discuss x-rays, I was having some trouble with a tooth I had root canaled (is that even a word) last year, which he explained was actually from my sinuses- gross. That was it.

No cavities. No pep talk. No condescending eyebrows.

I was almost in shock as I left the office. How can this be? Oh, that’s right, Wonderful Husband has me taking my oral hygiene seriously nowadays and I have actually had a better dental check up because of it. Now I sound like a walking commercial. Put his teeth on camera, let me do the voice over, and we are good to go!

Now seriously, go buy a nice expensive tube of toothpaste and some floss and give a half assed attempt at keeping up with it. Your mouth, and your dentist, will thank you.

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