Honest Reflections

Sometimes, I sit in my recliner at night, after Little Darling has slipped peacefully into dreamland, and the house has been tidied from a day filled with living. I will turn on the TV to Investigation Discovery, but instead of tuning in to watch the latest crime drama, I will tune into my own thoughts and meditate on what is happening in my life. I will spend an hour or so just sitting and thinking through the days events, the future, the decisions. I will lose myself in my thoughts.

Recently, I have been doing this a lot more often, because there has been a lot on my mind. Decisions that have no clear answer, wondering what the future holds, worry and stress over wanting to do the right thing.

It took me a while to realize that I was praying. Sitting quietly and thinking through all of my thoughts while asking for guidance. I use to the term “praying” so often that I almost forgot what it actually meant. I am “praying” that things turn out alright, I am “praying” that we make the right decisions. I didn’t realize that was exactly what I was doing. By taking the time to clear the chaos and think it through, I am giving God the opportunity to speak clearly to me and show me the path that we are meant to be on.

Or maybe not show me the path that we are meant to be on, but at least help me feel more comfortable just trusting that he will lead us blindly to the right spot. Trusting that everything is happening for a reason, and trusting that he will take us where we are meant to be. Isn’t that what the Lord’s prayer says? Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil?

It is really hard, sometimes you have no idea what the clear answer is to the questions and decisions that plague us throughout the day. And sometimes you are so sure of what you want and then when you really sit down and think about it, something tells you that you really aren’t all that sure at all.

We have been trying to get pregnant for a few months now. In July I got my IUD removed and we decided it was time to have another baby. Having Little Darling has been an amazing experience and we have seriously loved every minute of it. We couldn’t wait to have another baby! We have talked about names, and car shopped for a vehicle with third row seating, we have discussed how much we want to have a son, and how great it would be for LD to have a baby sister.

I told everyone who would listen that I would have kids until I ran out of eggs or Wonderful Husband said no more. I would happily be barefoot and pregnant for the rest of my life. Call me Michelle Duggar and give me a jean skirt, I will have as many kids as I can! Saying there’s too many children is like saying there’s too many flowers, that’s her motto.

Last night I experienced my first doubt.

I don’t even know what happened, I was listening to music and cleaning up the house after LD had gone to bed when a thought suddenly struck me.

I don’t know if I want to have anymore kids.

It came on so suddenly I wasn’t really sure what to do with it. I just kind of put it in the back on my mind and tried to move on, but it kept popping back up. All kinds of doubts and fears and decisions.

Little Darling is so great. She never cries, and shes always happy. I know exactly what song she likes before bed and I know that she prefers homemade applesauce to store bought. I know that we have to take Lion Cube everywhere, and that she has a blanket fetish just like I do. What if a new baby isn’t like that? What if a new baby cries all the time and hates applesauce completely?

Life is so great right now, we are so happy being an adorable family of three. Little Darling goes to bed at 7:30pm and is down for the night, I have freedom to do what I want because she is such a well behaved baby, what if a new baby changes all that? We transitioned into parenthood very easily, there was no fighting, no tears, no broken marriages. Parenthood made us happier and healthier people, we love each other more, and have gotten even closer. What if a new baby tears us apart? Do I really want to go back to that newborn stage where I have an infant (and a toddler) needing my attention constantly?

All of these thoughts flooded through my head for hours, I didn’t know how to handle it. I had always been so sure of what I wanted, I have never even given thought to not having more kids. I always wanted lots of kids, what would happen if I didn’t?

When Wonderful Husband came home I asked him if he wanted to have more kids. He looked at me like I was going mad. He said, well we are trying aren’t we? I told him that yes I realize we have been trying, but does he actually want more kids? He took the easy way out and said he wants whatever I want. Helpful.

It actually kept me up for a few hours last night, laying in bed, rolling it over and over in my mind. I could be happy with just one child. We could pack up and donate toys and clothes as she grew out of them instead of stuffing them in the attic for the next child. We could be moving out of diapers and cribs for good instead of getting ready to add another one. I could be living a normal life with a walking, talking child in school in 5 years. If we have another baby then it will be at least 7 years now until I have freedom.

But do I want “freedom”? I have friends who tell me how they can’t wait to have time away from their kids, or how they have to send their kids to grandmas house because they just need alone time. To date, I have never felt like that. There has been a few days where I gladly accept an offer from the grandparents to take the baby for a day, and a couple days where I have begged Wonderful Husband to take over when I am sick or exhausted. But I have never felt the urge that I needed to get away from my daughter. What’s 2 years in the grand scheme of a lifetime of love from a child?

I didn’t know anything about Little Darling when she was born either. There was a transition period of a couple weeks where there were days that I had no idea what I was doing and was convinced that this poor child would end up like all my house plants… dead. But we learned, and we moved forward. She grew and I grew. She will continue to grow and I will continue to learn. A new baby (or more!) would just be more learning, and not even bad learning. Not like Algebra class where you sit in your car in the University parking lot and debate dropping out just so you never have to attend another Algebra class, this is fun learning, like when you walk into history class and see the TV set up in front and you realize you get to spend the next hour watching 300 to learn about Sparta.

All in all, after lots of thinking, and lots of praying. I am still not sure if I want to have more kids. I have resolved that we will continue doing what we are doing and if God feels that we can handle another baby, he will give us one. If not, then that’s ok too.

Sometimes there are really hard decisions in life, but you don’t have to make them alone. You can always talk to God and know that he is listening. He may not give you the answer you want, he may not give you an answer at all, but you have to rely on the knowledge that he is leading and all you have to do is follow and believe that he has you on the right path. Whether it is a path where you have one baby or seven, he will never give you more than you can handle.

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2 thoughts on “Honest Reflections

  1. Before kids during all that trying phase I went back and forth about having them. “Isn’t it suppose to be easy?” “Maybe we aren’t suppose to have them” “yes I want 3”. Now with three I go back and forth with “this can’t be the last baby I NEED another” and “mommy needs a break”. It’s normal I think to consider all the options and flip sides a little or a lot.

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  2. It makes me feel so good to hear that! My best friend just had her second one about three months after I had Little Darling and when she was pregnant she kept telling me how scared she was and how unsure she was and I could never understand and now it all makes total sense. Like you feel so sure of what you want and then all of sudden its like waaaiiit and I really sure?? I guess that is why we never really have the final say, because we can’t be trusted!

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