Nostalgic Stepford

Sometimes you come across something that really strikes a chord in you.

Today I read an article, or rather an open letter, from a girl to her boyfriend who didn’t actually want her. And it got me thinking.

You can find the complete letter here. But here is what is says:

Dear an ex-“something,”

It is sad to think that I wasted a whole year on somebody like you; somebody that barely gave me five minutes out of his day when I was willing to give him all 1,440 of mine. You took me out of hell just to put me back again, and I thought that I would never get over you or the damage that you did to me. I am better without you now, and I am writing this letter to say thank you.

Somewhere along the lines of loving you and then hating you and then missing you and then hating you again, I realized that you really did all that you could. We were not made for each other no matter how much I tried to convince myself we were. Although, this is not me not making excuses for the way that you treated me at times or some of the harsh things that you said to me.

You see, something that I did not know before I met you was that not every early morning coffee date or midnight drive with a brown eyed boy has to turn into a great love story. We were never going to be anything more than 3 a.m. phone calls and 6 a.m. goodbyes. I should not have been okay with any of it, with the way you treated me. I made excuses for those times that you wouldn’t answer my text messages and I would ignore the stories I heard about you being with other girls. I kept trying to make excuses for the person that I did not want to admit that you really were. I am not saying that you are a bad person because I do not believe that you are. I just think that when it came to me all you had were bad intentions.

I deserved to be taken on dates to the movies or to concerts performed by my favorite musicians. I deserved good night phone calls and good morning text messages. Two years in a row you didn’t even take two seconds out of your day to say “Happy Birthday” to me. I deserved so much more than you were ever willing to give me and I used to feel sad because I thought that I was not deserving of any of it. I now know that I deserved more than anything that you were capable of giving me and I am sorry to myself for ever thinking that I was not.

Now, I want to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me how to realize when somebody does not care about me. Thank you for all of those great songs you inspired me to write. Thank you for giving me a story to tell my future daughter one day when she is going through her first heartbreak. Thank you for providing me with a “who not to be” example when I am teaching my future son how to be a man when it comes to women. Most importantly, thank you for making me see that I am always worth more than a 3 a.m. phone call. I can not believe that I ever thought I was worth anything less. I never thought that I would say these words but I hope that one day you find a girl you care about enough to date and maybe one day, even marry. Honestly, it is kind of a relief to know that it is not going to be me.

Sincerely,

Someone who deserved a lot more

For some reason, this letter really struck me. Probably because it reads like something that I would write to almost all of my ex boyfriends, and believe me I have enough of them. But also, because it is so incredibly true. I spent 3 years of my life with one particular boyfriend who never gave me the time of day, drug me through some really rough times, treated me like total garbage, and then finally slept with one of my friends. I spent those three years thinking that I wasn’t any better than this. This is what I deserved and that there was no one else out there who would love me more or treat me better.

But there was.

The late nights I sat at home wondering where he was, the months I had to decide whether to pay either the utilities or the rent because he wouldn’t get a job, the day I said “I love you” and he looked at me with disdain and told me “not today”. While those things were almost unbearable, to me they were almost normal. I thought this was as good as it gets. Happily ever after must be a fairy tale right?

But I was wrong.

Believe it or not, I knew Wonderful Husband for close to four years before we actually started dating because I was so wrapped up in trying to make my relationship with Mr. Wrong work. When we finally broke up and Wonderful Husband started showing me what it was like to have a strong, meaningful, happy relationship I spent the better part of the first two months waiting for it to fall apart. When it didn’t, I wasn’t sure how to handle it. This wonderful man who took me on real dates to restaurants and movies and even paid the bill. This dream come true who opened doors for me and sent me flowers when I had a job interview.

Now days I look back and thank myself for finally waking up and getting out of that crazy relationship. I can only imagine what my life would be like if I hadn’t.

Last night I laid on the couch watching reruns of our favorite tv show while my husband played with our daughter and then tucked her into bed. Every night we snuggle into bed all tired, tangled arms and legs and whisper “I love you” before drifting off to sleep. He has given me everything I could ever want in life and asked nothing in return. There is no hit or miss, there is no conditional love, there is no “not today”.

So, if you are in a relationship and you are wondering if it is right or wrong or maybe just not perfect, re-read this letter and then decide for yourself. Does the person you are in a relationship with treat you how you want to be treated? Are you their main concern or just an after thought? Do they make you feel good or are you constantly left feeling unfulfilled?

If you find yourself relating to the girl in the letter, perhaps its time to make a change.

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